1. I resolve... not to marry anyone with more gas than a BP station in 2009.
2. I resolve... not to doubly insult anyone by mispronouncing the name of their church or the insignificant bit of matter to which I am comparing them (such as accusing someone who is a member of the Episcopal Church of being a part of the "Yep's a Popsicle" church... or letting someone I was trying to call a troglodyte think I was calling them a "chocolate dyke.")
3. I resolve... to make myself immune to accusations of hypocrisy from people whose blood is a 30% caffeine and 30% tannic acid, by resisting the urge to consume vast quantities of beverages which are capable of corroding metal surfaces. (i.e. Coke).
4. I resolve... to tame the beast within me... as I have been assured I can do with a tube of V05 and a couple of Aussie products.
5. I resolve... to resist the urge to eat the Aussie products, even though they smell so deliciously grape-candyish that it will be a significant effort to restrain myself on this matter.
6. I resolve ... to contain my inner-harpy, even if my children fall moderately short of my goals for them for 2009 (which are very modest, and only include things like admission into Juilliard University, a Nobel Peace prize, and completion of Algebra I [that one's for my 5 year old!]!)
7. I resolve... to slim down a bit, from something along the lines of an aircraft carrier, to no larger than a frigate, excepting, of course, my feet, which were declared tug-boats by my mother in 1986, and I'm afraid there's no going back.
8. I resolve... to build a real financial reserve, which doesn't involve any of the lint from my pocket, and is enough of a buffer to at least keep me in pantyhose in case of a real national disaster.
9. I resolve... to keep the end-goal in mind, and remember each time someone calls me a "perpetual student" that there is no shame in learning, but the third graduate degree really is my limit.
10. I resolve... to develop a list of New Year's Resolutions which doesn't summarize into "Farts, Fats, Faux Pas and Finances" as soon as humanly possible.
