You know, I found my last husband on the Internet. We always told people we met at the mall - and we did. Or at least that's where we arranged to actually meet for the first time after finding each other through an Internet dating service (which shall remain nameless so as to prevent people from mistaking what is about to be a rant for an endorsement of said service).
Since the man is the father of my darling son, I will refrain from the urge to spend the next hour describing what a witless cretin he is. Suffice it to say, he left when his absolutely perfect gift-from-God son, whom he had BEGGED me to have for 2 years, was only 6 weeks old. And I keep hoping one day he'll remember what child support is, and perhaps pay some.
But I digress. (I have been known to do that.) This is not about the cheese-ball I was married to. It's really about the cheese-balls I'm not ever going to marry.
So... being a single mother, and very active member of the LDS Church, I feel a certain need to locate a viable candidate, get married in the temple, and follow the traditions of a "real" Mormon family. (This may be, in small part, due to the fact that my 4 year old son told me the other day that "I need a daddy in my house!" and "Mommy, if you don't find me a daddy, you can marry me, and I'll be the daddy, cuz I love you!" - Obvious evidence that he's spent way too much time listening to his two teenage sisters.)
Anyway, following the motivations of my heart and my church (and my son), I signed up for a membership on a certain dating website that is designed and intended only for members of the LDS church to meet up, pair up and get hitched. What a stroke of brilliance that was.
Now, as far as the site itself is concerned, I only have one issue - all of the men who are members of a dating site for Mormons who are clearly and obviously NOT Mormon! I'm referring to the intellectually challenged twits who call themselves delightful names like "Well-Hung-Joe" and explain, in their interests, that they "don't have a drinking problem - I drink, I get drunk, I fall down - no problem!" Yes, that sort of humor is definitely going to draw lots of attention from a society of female teetotalers.
I guess they probably can't legally discriminate against the idiots who don't know what the LDS in the name of the website means. But for you morons who haven't caught my drift yet, it's not Lazy - Derelict - Sexoffenders.
Ahem.
Anyway, back to the purpose of my rant.
If one can overlook the geniuses who haven't realized where they belong yet, there are two primary groups of men to choose from on this site:
- 1 - the extremely young returned missionaries who hit every branch on the ugly tree while they were falling out of it, who are currently unemployed (but looking!) and living in one city or another in the lovely state of Utah, most likely with their parents, and who will probably find their soul-mate at a Singles Ward activity.
- 2 - the 49-53 year old never-been-married before bachelor.
Now this guy comes in two versions as well:
- a - the fitness freak who has never had a real, committed relationship before which translates into having too much time on his hands. Of course, he's not too creative, since the best thing he could come up with to do with all of that time was to try out-buff Mr. Universe. Of course, in his photos one will also see that he has taken every opportunity to show off his razor-sharp pecs (if not his razor-sharp mind) at every extreme sporting opportunity he could come up with - hang-gliding, sky-diving, rock-climbing - all manner of exertion, with absolutely zero productivity. But Mormon women don't value a man who is productive, do they???
- b - the balding, pot-bellied plumber / postal worker / CEO whose entire profile describes what his fantasy woman entails - and tells you little or nothing about him. And of course, every 49-53 year old balding, pot-bellied bachelor makes a point of telling you that the "overweight chicks" need not apply - ditto for the divorced, working women, and all of those females over 25 years of age. Every one of these Einsteins believes that his comb-over and root-beer belly qualifies him for a blonde, 23 year old beauty queen. Of course, this may well explain why the guy is a 53 year old never-married bachelor. That train has passed, man! Wake the heck up!!
*SIGH*
I'm going to be a millionaire one day. I'm going to open up an LDS matchmaking website that caters to women. We will check the guys' temple recommends, and get references from their Bishops. We will refuse to match men with women more than 10 years younger than them (unless the WOMAN requested it... there's an Anna Nicole in every religion, I'm sure) - and we will require men to have some sort of a hobby or pastime which is not all about making THEM look good!
Okay, I'll probably go broke. Hey, come to think of it... that's one goal I've already half-way achieved!! That makes me feel pretty good about myself... guess my work here is done. :)
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