2009 - Report Card

Well, folks, 2009 is over, and it's time to take a look back at the year and see how I did overall. I think I'll start with my "Farts, Fats, Faux Pas and Finances" resolution list, which I posted here on January 2, 2009.

1. I resolved not to marry anyone with more gas than a BP station in 2009.
STATUS: Achieved!! Although I was a little worried on New Year's Eve, when Steven developed a terrible tummy-ache that puffed him up like the Good Year Blimp.... he proved to be the responsible kind of fella who dutifully takes his Gas-X, and reports his retorts to the proper restroom facility. I was not forced to endure any methane exposure at all. (Well, that is, unless you count what happened after his darn toxic kisses passed the tummy-ache to me!!)

2. I resolved to stop doubly insulting people through mispronunciations...
STATUS: Achieved, sort of. Mostly I just focused on not insulting people at all...

3. I resolved to stop consuming vast quantities of corrosive beverages (i.e. Cokes).
STATUS: Ummm... in progress. I was doing pretty well with this one for a while, but during the holidays, I really blew it. It's funny how you can know that something isn't good for you, but then if it's convenient, you'll do it anyway. Like, if there was a package of Oreos sitting next to me on the table right now, that would be awfully convenient, and I'd probably eat every last one of them. Ahem. Or not.

4. I resolved to tame the beast within me...
STATUS: Achieved! If you've seen any of my newer pictures, you'll see that I have shorn the mane, and gone for a much shorter, more professional look. (Yeah, most people say "quirkier" but I like "more professional." It sounds more like this was the look I INTENDED to get.)

5. I resolved not to eat any Aussie hair products...
STATUS: Achieved, though I'll admit it continues to be a challenge. Why do they make them smell so yummy??? Exactly like grape bubble gum...

6. I resolved to contain my inner harpy...
STATUS: Improved. She escaped briefly a couple of times, like 2 weeks before the graduation deadline when my darling daughter was still 25% short of completion on one of her virtual school classes. And when I was getting ready to go to a job interview, and discovered that my other daughter had "borrowed" my panty-hose, and apparently used them as some sort of slingshot for launching dirt clods into the next county, as they were stretched out big enough to cover a rhinocerous, had more holes than my ex's excuse for coming in at 3 a.m., and were as full of dirt as a year's subscription to the National Enquirer. That really put me over the edge.

7. I resolved to slim down from aircraft carrier to frigate...
STATUS: Failed. Didn't happen, darn it. I can't imagine why. I joined a gym (only found time to appear there about 8 times... ), bought workout videos (and I'm sure I would have opened them eventually), got healthy diet lunches (which were so delicious that sometimes I ate two of them!), and I even started walking (okay, it only happened once, but it's the thought that counts, right???).

8. I resolved to build a real financial reserve...
STATUS: Improved. Sort of. I didn't manage to build a financial reserve. However, I did manage to detach myself from the umbilical cord that has been hooked to the local cash advance place, which has been sucking me dry with it's obscenely high interest rates. As for savings, though, I've currently got about $23. It's good to save some goals for next year, though, right?

9. I resolved to keep the end goal in mind, and get a handle on my urge to take more college courses, limiting myself to the 3rd graduate degree.
STATUS: Achieved!! It's ironic how I can twist dropping out of school into an achievement, right? But hey, I did it!

10. I resolved to have a better list of resolutions than the "Farts, Fats, Faux Pas and Finances" list.
STATUS: Well... I'm still working on that...

Overall grade: 50% achieved, 30% improved... that's at least 65% overall, so I'm not a complete failure.

Ugh. I guess it's time to come up with some new resolutions. Yay, 2010. Happy New Year.