Cars: A Reality Check That I Can Never Cash

Have you seen that new Toyota commercial yet? The one where the girl who managed to, apparently pretty flippin' successfully, start up her own cake decorating business, and was saving up for a car, was GIVEN a brand new Toyota Corolla by the folks at Toyota? The one where she sits in her brand new car with tears of joy and gratefulness in her eyes?

Harrumph.

(This is the part where I remind myself that it is against the ten commandments to covet my neighbor's Toyota. But wait a minute. That chick does NOT live next door to me! I'm sure of this, because the commercial features her riding the public transit system all over the place, carrying her expensive cake boxes, and there is NO public transit system in this rinky-dink little rural town where I live!!) And did you notice all the kids she's NOT supporting? I guess the folks at Toyota were just overwhelmed with the critical public service she's providing.

I want her car.

Actually, I'm not that particular. But I DO want a car. Yes, yes, I know. I have a car. I have my darling Matilda, a 2000 Chevy Venture minivan, which I bought, with 30,000 miles on it, 7 years ago. It now has about 160,000 miles on it, the carpet has rotted out of the back from the thousands of times my kids spilled their drinks and neglected to tell me. The automatic door locks do not work. The little keyless door-unlocking device committed suicide in a hard rain storm. The fuel gauge is completely worthless. The windshield washer makes an interesting noise, but nothing comes out. The back wiper is a joke, since it only wipes the bottom of the trunk lid, and gets nowhere near the blooming window. The air conditioning is getting suspiciously less effective by the day. The cassette deck (yes, Matilda pre-dates CD players) eats anything you even think about inserting into it. The brakes require 10 minutes of softly voiced encouragement to be effectively applied when going anywhere near 50 miles per hour. The low coolant light flashes constantly (although the folks at the Chevy place assure me that we've got plenty of coolant, and this is just a computer quirk). And did I mention I just threw $500 bucks at repairs because the power steering fluid was leaking out like news about a gay politician? Oh, there is also the matter of the fact that it looks like poo, and it smells like it once contained about 13,000 nasty diapers. (It did - just not all at the same time. I call it the "Cumulative Funk Effect" or CFE for short.)

I would like to sell the stupid car (if I could find anyone crazy enough to overlook the CFE), but it's Blue Book value is currently negative $450. And until I have a better option, I am NOT paying someone to take Matilda off my hands. I WOULD have traded it in during that delightful "Cash For Clunkers" program that our brilliant federal government came up with a few months back, but they decided that it's originally advertised 21 miles per gallon was much too fuel efficient to be considered a clunker. (Of course, the fact that today, on a good day, it gets about 17 miles per gallon was not considered at all!)

I NEED a new car. No, I'm not being vain. I don't just want a new car so that I can still smell just as fresh after a 20 minute drive as I did before I got in the car. I don't want one just so that I can avoid the pointing and laughter from all of the teenagers when I pass the high school and my car moans loudly as it turns. I don't want one just so I can avoid taking out a mortgage to pay for the gas it takes to get me back and forth to work (though that one is pretty tempting). There is also the small matter of the 17 year old in my house. Katie has graduated from high school, and needs transportation to get to her classes which start next month, and her job (which she doesn't have yet, but God willing, she will have VERY soon.) She is currently volunteering at my school during the 3rd grade summer school program, and although she only goes there three days a week, it's a hassle to get her there and back, while Steven and I both have other places to be.

So, I'm officially in the market. What am I looking for? Well, here are my requirements:

1. Must get at least 30 miles per gallon.
2. Must not smell like poo.
3. Must have cool air conditioning.
4. Must be able to stop on a dime... or at least on a street corner.
5. Must have something vaguely resembling a warranty still attached.
6. Must be able to seat 4 people at a time while still holding vast quantities of mac and cheese and peanut butter (in grocery bags, for Pete's sake!).
7. Must be cheap enough for me to still afford the mac and cheese and peanut butter!

If you happen to be aware of a vehicle that meets my high standards, please let me know! My 17 year old is eager to get her hands on Matilda!!