Five Things You Don't Know About Me

I was challenged to do this... and I've never been able to resist a challenge, so here goes:

1. I have six toes on my right foot. Heh. Just kidding. Actually, I was once attacked by a kid with six fingers on each hand - I kid you not. Well, technically my car was attacked by her. She was the "surprise invitee" to my daughter's 8th birthday sleep-over party. And after she shoplifted while we were picking up the cake, and tried to strangle (literally) my 5 year old, I decided she needed to go home. But her parents refused to come to the door, and wouldn't answer the phone. And when I left her on the porch and ran for my car, she chased me and proceeded to rage and scream and bang on my car windows as I tried (successfully, thank goodness) to back away without running her over. I hadn't noticed the spare pinkies until her little fists were beating on the glass next to my face. But the kids noticed it too, so it wasn't just a fear-induced delusion.

2. I secretly covet my neighbors' livestock. :) Actually, my neighbors just have cows and donkeys, and I don't really want the donkeys. But I would love to have at least one milk cow, a bunch of chickens, a couple of pigs, and a horse or two. I have secret fantasies of marrying a farmer. Unfortunately, farmers don't generally join ldssingles.com since they're usually a lot more involved with their tractors than their computers. So I don't have much of a chance of meeting one.

3. I'm writing a novel. It's a slow, slow process, and would probably go a lot faster if I put more time into it. But it's a modern day Mormon romance, and since my life is pretty devoid of romance at the moment, I'm really lacking on inspiration. Is it wrong to pray to have my fat melted away over night so some fabulous priesthood holder will be able to see past my mile-wide backside to my mile-deep testimony?

4. I have always wanted to own my own business. Most of my adult life, in my head this has looked like a teacher-store - one of those stores where teachers go to buy cool posters, and manipulatives, and idea books. I even know exactly where I would put it. If I only had the $300,000 I'd need to start it up, I'd get it cranking and involve my kids in the family business!

5. I have the solution to the deadbeat dad (and mom) crisis in America: deduct past due child support from people's Social Security. If the deadbeat were to die, the kids would get it anyway, and isn't it a shame when a parent is worth more to their kids dead than alive? At least if they could collect it from the parent's Social Security, we could reduce the impact of deadbeat parents on the welfare system, and force them, in the long term, to take care of their kids, by having to work more years to take care of themselves.

6. Yes - I know there wasn't supposed to be a six, but I still had more to say, so quit counting.

I know something that the majority of the world hasn't figured out: Jesus is the Christ, Joseph Smith was a prophet, and there is a living prophet on the Earth today, and he receives revelation from God, and he can help us figure out what to do in these troubled times. His name is Thomas Monson, and he is the leader of the LDS Church. Check him out at http://www.lds.org/ or ask me and I will tell you more.

I saw a bumper sticker a while back that said "If they were arresting Christians, would there be enough evidence to convict you?" I'm a smart-aleck, and seriously sarcastic, and completely goofy 90% of the time. But on the off chance that there's someone out there who doesn't know where I stand with Jesus - make note. Jesus is the Messiah. He came to earth, as a part of the great plan of salvation, knowing He would be crucified to pay the price for our sins. He made it possible for us to return to live with Heavenly Father one day, and I love Him.

So lock me up. I've already been convicted. :)

A Special Kind of Stupid

I've got a 17 year old daughter who, if left home alone, will honestly forget to eat. She gets so caught up in ... whatever... (a book, Spongebob, watching paint dry...)... that she is completely oblivious to the passing of time, and doesn't even recognize the pangs of hunger in her belly. I've always said it takes a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. And judging by the ever-expanding size of my backside, I must be absolutely brilliant.

However, I have to say... her place as the flower of the family has been overtaken... by me.

Did you ever have one of those days when you knew you should never have bothered to roll out of bed? Well, I do believe I've got one for the record books.

Let me preface this absurd tale with a little disclaimer - this has been absolute hell week, and as a result, I've been dropping IQ points by the hour, as I worried myself sick over my middle daughter who has been in the hospital for the last 8 days, which also explains the extended period without posting on my blog. (Don't worry, she's fine. It's a story for another day.) Oh, there was also the 4 day layover with Tropical Storm Fay, which put our entire world on hold until today. But that's another story too.

Anyway, so I'm more than mildly sleep-deprived, and severely stressed out... thus it is no surprise that when it came time to get ready for work this morning, I wasn't quite prepared. Somehow, I failed to do enough laundry during the storm, and I was down to one pair of work pants - the hated chestnut brown ones, which nothing really matches. When I'm desperate, though, I've been known to pair them with a butter yellow tunic I got from Cato last year, that has a johnny collar and a drawstring waist, and is just so flattering and adorable that I actually bought an identical one in white to wear to graduation in June (except it disappeared immediately thereafter.... I'm suspecting that one of the girls killed it in a load of red laundry, and rather than present me with the offense of its pink remains, just put it out of its misery, in the garbage can outside... but that, of course, is yet another story). Anyway, so I was planning on wearing the brown pants and yellow shirt, right? Except everything I own needs to be ironed (the downside of cramming a family of 4 into a 450 square foot cottage - no storage space!).

So while simultaneously cooking my son's breakfast this morning, I set up the ironing board in front of the stove, and got busy ironing my clothes. The pants are that delightful gabardine, that generally requires only minimal heat to drop the wrinkles, so I did them first, and then threw the shirt on the board, while I was putting the muffins in the oven. As they baked, I got busy with the ironing, making sure to thoroughly saturate my shirt with starch, since I like my clothes really, really crisp. Unfortunately, though, the iron didn't seem to want to evaporate the starch, like it normally does. So I touched the bottom of the iron to make sure it was hot enough (and roasted my fingertip). Confused, I tried ironing longer, pressing harder... nothing. I just couldn't understand it. The more I tried to iron, the tastier those muffins smelled, but the starch spots just wouldn't go away.

Then, as I went to set the iron down in frustration, you can imagine the horror that befell me, as I realized that I'd never managed to get the starch out of the closet - and had sprayed my favorite shirt down with Pam!!! I was so aghast that I dropped the iron, whose high-quality plastic casing shattered into a million pieces on my tile floor. The light was still on though, even though all manner of wiring was visible, so I figured it would probably still serve my purposes, and I chose another shirt - a lightweight cream sweater (which I would normally never wear in Florida in August, but I was desperate to match those darned brown pants!!!) and I placed it on the board to be ironed. Unfortunately, I failed to realize that on the way down, the iron apparently bounced on its tip, and created a jagged edge which, when applied to the fabric, resulted in a horrendous, irreparable snag.

One blouse, one sweater, one iron - 15 minutes. I guess I should be thankful that I didn't starch the blasted muffins!

Yes, my daughter's place as flower of the family has been usurped, by me - the bloomin' idiot.

Vices

So... yesterday I read a quote from Kathryn Heigl, who was reportedly raised in the LDS Church... (okay, she was raised by an LDS family, and I'm fairly sure they periodically took her to an LDS Church...let's not split hairs, 'kay?) Anyway... she said something about how she's being lazy about the church, and that she'd have to quit the smoking and the drinking if she were to go back to church. Hmmm...

I was really, really lucky. When I joined the Church, I had never smoked (still haven't, never will, yuck). I had already quit drinking (quit when I learned I was pregnant with my first child - technically 2 years before I was legally old enough to drink - my career as an alcoholic was pretty short-lived). And although I had learned to really like coffee if it had enough hazelnut or amaretto sauce in it, I had already figured out it was causing my migraines, so I'd pretty well quit that too. And, I was pretty much of a mind that drinking tea was like unto drinking syrup. The first sip wasn't too bad, but you just had to start gagging after that.

Point being - I didn't have to make too many big sacrifices to qualify as meeting up to the basic societal standards of the Word of Wisdom when I joined the Church.

But this is not to say I don't have a vice or two. Aside from an occasional chocolate binge, my latest kick is commonly known as "Saving Grace" - a t.v. show that is aired on TNT on Monday nights at 10/9 central starring Holly Hunter. Now, I know when it comes on because I happened to see a commercial for it yesterday. I actually watch it on my computer, by downloading the episodes off of iTunes. If you've ever seen the show, then you know why I have to do this. #1 - This show is NOT fit to be playing with wide-awake children around the house. Besides the fact that Detective Hanadarko is an absolutely horrible role-model who celebrates every vice she's got (and seems to have them all), there's also the ever-present possibility of a sudden and completely unnecessary bout of nudity. When I watch it on my computer, I can zip right through those embarrassing scenes the same way I sometimes do when I accept a romance novel on my mom's recommendation and it turns out to be a bit racier than I was anticipating. Except the computer has a fast-forward button, where with the book I just have to flip pages really fast. Anyway, you get the idea.

So I was watching an episode today and I just had to ask myself... what is it about this vile character that appeals to me so much?

Well, first off, I want to grow up to be the actress who plays the main character. Holy mackerel, that woman is RIPPED!! I mean, she has arms like a MAN - a BUFF man!!! Okay, I'm calm again. Seriously, how do women get like that? I think, in real life, her vice must be pumping iron, because her body is really amazing. I would LOVE to look (and be) that strong. Of course, I'd have to sell my kids to afford the years with a personal trainer and a personal chef that it would take to get there (not to mention the plastic surgeon). Oh - and let's make it worse. She's FIFTY years old!! I look like HER mother, and yet she's old enough to be MINE!! (We agreed not to split hairs, remember?!?!)

Okay... back on track. What is it about this heavy drinking, heavy smoking, over-sexed, frequently cursing character that appeals to me? Here's my theory. She is bad. She is really, really bad. She has an angel that follows her around, and when he makes her mad, it's not unusual for her to decide to fling Froot Loops at him with a spoon, or wrestle him, or cuss him out, or whatever. The dude is sent from GOD, and yet she has no issues with telling him where to stuff it!! That's bad!!

Conversely, I am very, very good. I do not drink, or smoke, or curse (often... does "dangit" or "fart" count?) or have sex with men in bar bathroom stalls while people get murdered 3 feet away. My house is immaculate (compared to hers at least). I go to church and read my scriptures and pray and pay my taxes and try to act like a responsible person (90% of the time).

So that's it... I like her because she is so bad that she makes me look like a saint!! My vices - chocolate, and a little too much inappropriate t.v. - are nothing in comparison to this woman who has her own personal angel assigned to follow her around!

That... and I really want to grow up to look like that. Well...grow down, I guess. (I think she's about 5'2".)

Of course, if I were to wake up looking like that tomorrow, no one would know it because my unbelievably ripped biceps would be appropriately contained in a very modest outfit. But it would still ROCK!!

I Am Such a Schmuck.

I just have to quickly post this note, after my last rant.

It's related to the Murphy's law thing, somehow. Things don't have to just go wrong, so much as prove me wrong though. I should have made all of those obnoxious claims about the men on these LDS dating sites a long, long time ago.

Tonight a fellow sent me a smile... and he turns out to be nothing like the jerks that I complained about in my rant. In fact, he and I have so much in common, my daughter suggested that I might have made him up and written his profile myself!

Hmmm... unless I'm having a really bizarre version of that "Faces of Eve" thing... I may have actually been contacted by a man who is not a cretin or a reject of any sort. He's a college graduate, gainfully employed, a Gator fan, loves his kids, (named one of them after me)....

Maybe now I need to write a rant about the steadily increasing price of gasoline. Apparently, I have an untapped gift!!

Lookin' For Love in All the Wrong Places

You know, I found my last husband on the Internet. We always told people we met at the mall - and we did. Or at least that's where we arranged to actually meet for the first time after finding each other through an Internet dating service (which shall remain nameless so as to prevent people from mistaking what is about to be a rant for an endorsement of said service).

Since the man is the father of my darling son, I will refrain from the urge to spend the next hour describing what a witless cretin he is. Suffice it to say, he left when his absolutely perfect gift-from-God son, whom he had BEGGED me to have for 2 years, was only 6 weeks old. And I keep hoping one day he'll remember what child support is, and perhaps pay some.

But I digress. (I have been known to do that.) This is not about the cheese-ball I was married to. It's really about the cheese-balls I'm not ever going to marry.

So... being a single mother, and very active member of the LDS Church, I feel a certain need to locate a viable candidate, get married in the temple, and follow the traditions of a "real" Mormon family. (This may be, in small part, due to the fact that my 4 year old son told me the other day that "I need a daddy in my house!" and "Mommy, if you don't find me a daddy, you can marry me, and I'll be the daddy, cuz I love you!" - Obvious evidence that he's spent way too much time listening to his two teenage sisters.)

Anyway, following the motivations of my heart and my church (and my son), I signed up for a membership on a certain dating website that is designed and intended only for members of the LDS church to meet up, pair up and get hitched. What a stroke of brilliance that was.

Now, as far as the site itself is concerned, I only have one issue - all of the men who are members of a dating site for Mormons who are clearly and obviously NOT Mormon! I'm referring to the intellectually challenged twits who call themselves delightful names like "Well-Hung-Joe" and explain, in their interests, that they "don't have a drinking problem - I drink, I get drunk, I fall down - no problem!" Yes, that sort of humor is definitely going to draw lots of attention from a society of female teetotalers.

I guess they probably can't legally discriminate against the idiots who don't know what the LDS in the name of the website means. But for you morons who haven't caught my drift yet, it's not Lazy - Derelict - Sexoffenders.

Ahem.

Anyway, back to the purpose of my rant.

If one can overlook the geniuses who haven't realized where they belong yet, there are two primary groups of men to choose from on this site:

- 1 - the extremely young returned missionaries who hit every branch on the ugly tree while they were falling out of it, who are currently unemployed (but looking!) and living in one city or another in the lovely state of Utah, most likely with their parents, and who will probably find their soul-mate at a Singles Ward activity.

- 2 - the 49-53 year old never-been-married before bachelor.

Now this guy comes in two versions as well:
- a - the fitness freak who has never had a real, committed relationship before which translates into having too much time on his hands. Of course, he's not too creative, since the best thing he could come up with to do with all of that time was to try out-buff Mr. Universe. Of course, in his photos one will also see that he has taken every opportunity to show off his razor-sharp pecs (if not his razor-sharp mind) at every extreme sporting opportunity he could come up with - hang-gliding, sky-diving, rock-climbing - all manner of exertion, with absolutely zero productivity. But Mormon women don't value a man who is productive, do they???

- b - the balding, pot-bellied plumber / postal worker / CEO whose entire profile describes what his fantasy woman entails - and tells you little or nothing about him. And of course, every 49-53 year old balding, pot-bellied bachelor makes a point of telling you that the "overweight chicks" need not apply - ditto for the divorced, working women, and all of those females over 25 years of age. Every one of these Einsteins believes that his comb-over and root-beer belly qualifies him for a blonde, 23 year old beauty queen. Of course, this may well explain why the guy is a 53 year old never-married bachelor. That train has passed, man! Wake the heck up!!

*SIGH*

I'm going to be a millionaire one day. I'm going to open up an LDS matchmaking website that caters to women. We will check the guys' temple recommends, and get references from their Bishops. We will refuse to match men with women more than 10 years younger than them (unless the WOMAN requested it... there's an Anna Nicole in every religion, I'm sure) - and we will require men to have some sort of a hobby or pastime which is not all about making THEM look good!

Okay, I'll probably go broke. Hey, come to think of it... that's one goal I've already half-way achieved!! That makes me feel pretty good about myself... guess my work here is done. :)

Premonitions... and Other Intriguing Ideas...

One of the coolest things about being unemployed (and there are SO many!) is finally having time to read all of those books you've been dreaming about. (Of course, this makes the assumption you have a library card, since you can no longer afford to buy them... but that's a whole different rant.)

Anyway, the other day I bought a book called Premonition by Randy Ingermanson. This was not the type of book I'd normally buy. My usual type is either a minimally graphic romance - often Nora Roberts - or preferably a romance with a Christian theme, since I can feel pretty confident those won't suddenly turn into bodice rippers, something old Nora can't always be counted on for. Anyway, this is neither.

I really bought it for two reasons: #1 - I was perusing the stacks at the Christian book store next door to the movie theater while I was waiting to take my kids to see "Journey to the Center of the Earth" (cool, but ends abruptly, and seems lacking in the sense of doom which should certainly accompany a trip to the center of the earth)... and I found this book on the discount $3.97 table. Usually, these books are $3.97 for a reason - but once in a while, there's a gem, and I'm a sucker for a good bargain. #2 - the cover of the book had a sticker on it which issued an irresistible challenge - We guarantee you'll love this book or we'll refund your money. Isn't that brilliant? If I was cheap, I'd have read it, said I hated it, and sent for my four bucks anyway. Luckily, my conscience wouldn't allow me to do that... particularly since I LOVED the book.

Here's the deal - it's book two in a series, but you really don't have to read book 1 to follow it (I certainly didn't. It was probably on the $13.97 table.) The premise behind it is that this couple, Ari and Rivka, are a couple of modern day Jews (she's "Messianic" which apparently means she believes that Jesus is the Messiah but she's still a Jew, and he WAS agnostic, but ... well... )

Anyway, through some sort of a science project accident which happened in the first book (Ari is a physicist), the two of them manage to get zapped back into ancient Jerusalem, in the years shortly following the resurrection of Christ. While the idea is a little sci-fi-weird, it gives a really unusual insight into what the life of practicing Jews was like back in Jesus' time, using and explaining a lot of Hebrew terminology, while presenting a fascinating, if heart-wrenching, plot about the experiences these two American Jews have while trying to prevent the assassination of James, the brother of Jesus.

I won't give any more of the story away, but I will definitely recommend it. It was enthralling.

It raised some questions for me though.

So... we know that Jesus was a Jew - that He attended the temple and participated in the rituals of the religion during that period, right? I'm sure He followed all of the rules about kosher dining, and so forth. So....

If Jesus was a practicing Jew, and He's supposed to be our example for how to live, then why aren't Christians more like Jews?

Now, I know that the scriptures say that we no longer need to practice ritual sacrifice since Jesus provided the ultimate redemption Himself, but what about the rest of it? Why don't Christians, if they really want to be more like Christ, actually do the things He did?

I suspect that this is largely due to ignorance. As for me and my house - well, prior to reading this book I never really thought about how Jesus conducted Himself on a daily basis. I mean, sure I thought about being kind to others, and turning the other cheek, and the moral of all those parables that Jesus taught. But what about the rest of it? I wonder if He expects us to... or has He, over the last couple of thousand years, realized we've forgotten all of that stuff, and decided we're pretty okay people in spite of it?

This is a topic which will require much further investigation on my part. I'm sure I'll post on it again. In the mean time, feel free to share your comments. Thanks.

Unemployed - With Promise...

This morning I officially woke up unemployed, sort of. I do have a classroom, with a job attached, which will begin this fall, and my stuff is there, and I have a significant degree of confidence that this will also involve a paycheck on or about Aug 30. So... unemployed isn't near as horrible as it could be. It's the getting through two months without a paycheck that is horrendous.

So... what to do now?

Hmmm... well, obviously I'll have more time for blogging, but if the entire source of my content is the ramblings of a 4 year old who calls the television remote control a comote (sounds like commode)... it could get old pretty fast.

I have looked for other both temporary and permanent work, with no luck so far...although I did have a pretty amazing interview the other day. I had applied for a position with Saint Leo University as an academic advisor at the Trenton campus. The weird part was that one of the interviewers, unbeknownst to me in advance, was my current assistant superintendent. Argh.

Now I have to say, he's either one of the nicest people on the face of the earth, or he's got the best poker face in town. He didn't in the slightest way shame me, or give me a hard time for looking for other employment. In fact, when the issue of WHY I'm looking for other work came up, he wasn't even the one asking the question (although I'll admit I found that when I was explaining my reasoning, I was mostly addressing him).

So... why would a person with a promise of a teaching position in the fall, in a great school, with great administration and the absolutely most awesome classroom they've ever had, be looking for a new job?

1. Did I mention previously that I'm taking a $23,000 pay cut in taking the teaching position?
2. Going from assistant principal to teacher is a demotion, even if it is entirely because of funding issues, and due to no fault of my own...and my naturally driven, competitive nature wants to be moving FORWARD, not backward.
3. I've got a daughter (Zabby) who'll be graduating from high school about this time next year, who actually hopes to go to college - and I'm really hoping she'll be able to do so without taking on the kind of debt that I did in order to get where I am, which is not something I can help with unless I'm making enough money to live on, pay my own student loans, AND save something on the side.
4. I have another daughter (Katie), same scenario, just 2 years behind her....
5. Don't even get me started on the 4 year old.

Alas... I'm not going to be getting any other jobs. I've somewhat accepted this fact. After 6 weeks of applications, and searching... there is very little in this area for someone with my education and background, due to the budget cuts which have put a LOT of people like me out of work.

So... I'm adapting a new way of thinking...thanks to Sheryl Crowe - It's not having what you want... it's wanting what you've got.

I want to teach. I want to be poor. Oops...now I'm getting redundant.